Wednesday, November 29, 2006

After a Hiatus

[FYI that line came from the subject header of an email I received from a one time lover. I remember staring at the word 'hiatus' and thinking what a beautiful name it was for a flower, delicate and white-edged, soft and coloured with tinges of blue, purple. I remember thinking that like an orchid it would grow on dead plant life, wrapping itself around a rotting branch. Hiatus. Noun. I picked a hiatus from the riverside, he took her a bouquet of hiatus, et al]

Crunch time.

Forget all that has happened since I last blogged.

Oh and believe me, a lot has.

Crunch time.

I walk around grinding my teeth and counting anxiety attacks these days because I have no answer to the one question that will not go away.

Two years in America. They were meant to be an extended holiday, a decoration on the resume, a free ride.

It has been that. And without asking my permission, it has turned into something more.

I like this mud. I like the cold hardness of this new england ground. I like fall, the fact that every tree looks like its part of a great sacrificial fire to announce the death of the season. I like being alone here, having no face that looks like mine. I like the rocks, ice water, shellfish, sturdy boots that make up the everyday. I like the lack of a mob.
And now I can't leave.

And attempting to stay on beyond the stated finish line is driving me insane.

Truly, I am losing it. I dont sleep right. I dont eat right. I find it harder quitting smoking for good.

What do I do, O fair, brave and lone reader?
What do I, dilettante of the first order [yes it was spell checked]
deserve in the way of extended stays, and second chances?
How do I convince these americans that I am worthy of their grad school?
Am I worthy?
What will happen if I don't make it?

This fear is the most potent drug I have ever used. Or abused. It makes me see visions of natural disasters [last night I dreamt of a dam bursting] and feel the kind of sadness that belongs to old bag ladies singing to themselves in the NY greyhound station.

I weep like I've lost my mind. I listen to every song, choked up and tissue-filled. It's pathetic.

I have ignored laundry, physicals, haircuts, friends, blogging.

I want serenity. I want the ability to feel no fear.
I want out.
And there is no out. India is not an option, not now.
A happy-go-lucky, creative writing major with no actual work experience who's only training has been in being a wasafiri [google it]and writing critical annotations has no place in the good ol' home on the range.

I need a miracle. An act of god. Or faith.
Maybe a prayer.
Or maybe, a word from you. Whoever and whatever you are.

Any ideas?


david raphael israel said...

<< I have ignored laundry, physicals, haircuts, friends, blogging.>>
-- this is either a laundry list, or the whole nine yards.
We are delicate creatures, the humans.
Why not become an illegal alien? [joke]
Or launch a writing career from a sailing boat on the ocean blue?


I plucked a hiatus from the riverside
it grew beside an extended lull
the lull was fragrant at eveningtide
the hiatus likewise had its smell
it was taciturn to a fare-thee-well
the more you'd look it'd grow more wide
it adorns my chipped-paint window-will
I plucked a hiatus from the riverside

david raphael israel said...

ps -- same-same with tiny revision.

Komb said...

Bloddy Americaners..There loss is our gain :D worry not..

The Rational Fool said...

Have you tried the local/nearby school districts? If you are adventurous and would like to try your words at the Chicago inner city schools, email me.

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

I think there's already been poetry about "an armful of hyacinths" and the "hyacinth girl". (Some guy called Tom, wunnit?)

Which may be what "hiatus" reminds you of.

Peter Howe said...

mmmmm Hello :-)

wow 2 years in America, who would of thought! well I will be in Chicago September 2007, if your still there :-) maybe we can catch up.

Life is dealing with your my precious Yanka, and even though your shell shocked and the reality, to quote Lennon "life happens while we are busy making other plans.

Nothing ever means anything, only the meaning we give. remember that one :-) spoken from a wise man with great ears in a previous life. maybe your not meant to challenge your mind , as with such an electric wit, you could not always keep up with you, and at times my hon, its going to be tough.

Your challenged, living and exeriencing, but if you dont want to be alone, then decide not to be :-) your in charge hon, thats my words of wisedom, whatever its worth :-) drop me a line, my number hasnt changed, and email is still ;-)

speak soon, please take care

balihai said...

want coffee?

maya varghese said...

oh you thought life was a purple flower?
red veined. delicate.
get over it.
life is this craggy sheet of rock
you have to climb
without any climbing gear

no its not your fault
all of us have to discover
craggy unkind challenges
and mourn over a purple red veined
delicate flower
write some beautiful lines
and then we all start climbing

but then dont let go
of your purple red veined flower thoughts
who knows
once you have climbed far enough
you might just
reach a meadow
of serene waters
and lots and lots of flowers

ps: read Shiv Khera's You can Win". helps me when iam depressed.

Anonymous said...

Dear Pri,

From your melancholy it appears that the safest option you have is to kill yourself. You are now discovering that the true purpose of ones life is meaningless.Read ecleciastes for more details. Dono wen was the last time u opened the good book but jus mite do u some good.

Ok now that Ive gotten the bad humour outta the way I'm gonna proceed with some even worse advice(if u thought the preceding para was advisory in nature, honey u aint seen nothin yet!)

Your young dumb and full of fun. Your cultured or u pretend to be.U wana travel the world. The solution? EUROPE BABY! and i dont mean like euro trip. im talkin bout soborne, rome and the periodic architecture, oxford and cambridge, etc etc.

The whole point is doin what your doin u dont wana close out any doors, not even India(i no u wana kill me) but yea while u pursue ur options in the states, look at the rest of the world as well cos its in ur grasp. all u have to do is reach out and claim it.

btw we're quite happy that the americans have u and wana keep u. In a totally unrelated turn of events after ur departure over the last 2 years its been observed that the average IQ of both the US and India has increased by 50%.


Twilight Fairy said...

One suggestion - take a break in motherland. would make you see things from a different perspective. Make it a "break" - so that you have the option to go back to the land you now like so much.

Sowmya Rao said...

I wish you luck?
Flimsy yes, but with good intentions nonetheless.