Monday, July 25, 2005

Stomp on Tampons

[Forgive me. But this is one mother of a blustery rage. The squeamish may scroll to calmer waters]

Tampon is french for plug. No, I jest not. And though patented only in America in the 1930's, the Greeks and the Egyptians were the first ones who had a go at it. Papyrus, vegetable fibre, cotton and lint have been used variously down the years.

For the less informed, and thus happier mortals- tampons are supposed to work like socks, absorption being the key word. To the point where it dries you out like grapes left in the sun. One would think these things would be built to be a bit soft considering their final point of destination. My friend Laura doesn't call it "the knife" for nothing. Personally I prefer the phrase "the concrete finger"- It's so much more telling.

Why am I so moved by this creation, satanic inspite of all its usability?

I have just returned from a camp, my compatriots. I now understand why the place I've been at the past 2 days-- surrounded by picnic tables, marshmallows and a built fire-- is described with the same word used to talk about the place where they tortured polish jews in 1942.

And the only reason the experience, which would've been quite nice otherwise, is such a black hole in my conciousness is because due to unforseen circumstances, I had to survive with this french word for plug.

Sacre bleu.

I tell euu, mes amis, zis paeen is sumzin I chouz to nevarre go threu agin, in ma vie- jamais, je te dis!!

Oh yes- and apart from the fact it feels like an angry dildo staging a sit-in, there are also factions fighting against ze plug- from baptists [but of course] to health activists who are concerned because.... damn, coz they have good reason to be so!!

Im not sure about the argument that it aids mobility. Hides pantylines yes... but mobility?? Felt like a vetted camel limping amidst the pine trees of the great pacific north-west coast line this weekend. A man-eating snail could've ambushed me without me being in a place to listen to my adrenal glands.

Humans are crazy. Only we would go around causing ache on top of ache. And only we would be dumb enough to try it.

Think I'll go find a pillow to sit on.

Don't get me wrong though: the camp was a good idea. I'll put the link up here the moment the pics are ready.