Thursday, September 01, 2005

S.K on break-ups

S.K is the best person to go to if a break-up has just happened. As when you go to him for real estate advice, he will make you a cup of black tea, with lime juice squeezed into it.

Then he will point out various trees to you-- If he doesn't know its botanical origin, he will make up a genus and tell you a story of shah jahan and mumtaz associated with it.

S,K will not ask you to tell him anything. He will talk, though.

These are some of the things he will tell you.

First, take a crap. Not a long one, a short one. Go in, lock the door, sit down, shit, flush, wipe [if you are in a country sans health faucets], flush again, pull up your pants and leave.

Immediately-- especially if you have just wiped, he will tell you-- go take a hot bath. Water down the emotion. Don't stand too long underneath it though: the heat will make you sleepy, and if you fall asleep you will wake early the next morning, with an emotional hangover, which is worse than too much Kingfisher.

S.K says dont drink when your brain is busy. This is the only time he will ever agree with your father, who said my child, drink only in happy company and with friends. S.K says smoke or masturbate to calm down. So that you can think. Dont drink and think, he announces, with a smirk, proud that he comes up with better rhymes than the traffic police department.

Write down what you think, with paper, chewed pencil or a reynolds 045. Dont type right away, especially dont type to the name/place/animal/thing you just broke with. Or rather, just broke.

He says, ask-- did you start the taking apart of the jigsaw, did you smash the first coconut? In which case, S.K says, understand that you had good reason. Id swings the hammer knowingly, though Ego might dither. However, if you have second thoughts about the cookie-crumbling, then you have 24 hours within which to re-establish communication. Post 24 hours, doom will settle. Like the morning after pill, like a tetanus shot, 24 hours is all you get to glue things back together.

He will then pour more tea. Break ups, like house-hunting, tend to loosen the bowels, he says. Black tea and lime tightens them back.

Read Dostoevsky, he says. He will then hand you an old penguin paperback edition of 'Crime & Punishment' if you dont have one yourself.

Then, depending on who you are, S.K will draw a birthchart and show you if
a) you are meant to be in love and this is just a temporary mishap and someone will be here soon or

b) You were never meant to make dinner for two, only watch crows at sunset and go for walks in the rain, with a newspaper to cover your head.

S.K doesn't chickensoup.

He draws the stars as they are.

Write, he says. Write lots. Write till a painful red bump develops on the finger your pen rests on. Then, go to sleep.

And do not dream.


Sharanya said...

Vintage Joseph! I love it! :D